Boring

If I had to describe myself in only one word, it would be "boring". I am pretty darned dull. That's why I will never have many friends and it's the reason I will never have a successful relationship. Who could stand to spend their whole life with someone like me? Any girl who doesn't think she could do better is seriously deluded! My dullness is really a combination of two things.

Games

Firstly there is my aversion to any kind of social game. There are some games that I am literally incapable of playing. Things that require thinking on ones feet, like charades or Pictionary, I cannot do. My brain literally panics and shuts down. Stops working completely. I am utterly crippled and completely incapable of thinking of anything to say or do. Most people find these things just a bit of fun. For me it is a nightmarish experience that leaves me depressed for hours if not days.

Then there is sport. I could play sport. I am physically able. But I have no desire to play sport and I would not enjoy it if I did. And of course I would be bad at it (since I have no interest in it) so I would feel inadequate. And it would leave me depressed.

Then there is the rest. Card games. Darts. Pool. All things that most normal pub-going people like to do. But I would really rather not. Board games like Monopoly or Scrabble are just about bearable. Under the right conditions I might even enjoy the game. But I would never really want to play. It would never be my idea. I would always be playing for someone else's sake. And at the end of the game I'll always be hoping it's over and we don't have to play again.

Interests

Secondly there is the fact that I have no interests of any kind. This is not just slightly odd. It is completely bizarre. People find it very hard to relate to me because of this. I can't do small talk because I have nothing to say. Everybody I can think of has some interest in something. Commonly people are interested in music or films or books. It's not that I hate music. There is music I like. But I'm not really interested in it. I have some CDs and there is music on my hard drive, but it's not often that I actually listen to it. I spend almost 40 minutes walking to work in the morning and another 40 walking home again every evening. Almost everyone I see is listening to music. I'm listening to my thoughts. I have very little music knowledge because I'm just not interested.

It's a similar story with films. I like films. I watch films sometimes. But I don't own many and I don't have the kind of in-depth knowledge you would expect from someone who describes films as a particular interest. If you name a film that I really really like, I'll still struggle to give you the names of the actors who play the main characters. Because I'm not interested.

I don't really read books. That's not just an indication that I'm not into literature. Most people have books about the things that interest them. History or politics or celebrity or something. I find science interesting, but not so interesting that I would go as far as reading a book about it.

I don't even want to travel.

Would you want to live with me? Day after day after day after day?

tags: introspection