Rina has told me that she would like to see me before she leaves the country in June. That's good to know and of course I want to see her too. This is a well-established fact. This news came as a surprise for two reasons. Firstly because it wasn't long ago that she admitted the desire to throw herself into her uni life took priority over her desire to see me. I really thought that was the end of the conversation. That I wouldn't get to see her again. At least, not unless she accidentally ended up with a free weekend with nothing to do. But the most surprising thing was that she is suggesting coming up to Manchester. That alternative will consume more of her time than me visiting her, since she'll be the one spending hours at the mercy of Network Rail. There's also a considerable financial expense involved. I really didn't think she'd be willing to take such lengths to see me.

Of course, she might not. If recent history has taught me anything, it's that I shouldn't be counting on it. Unfortunately she said she "will manipulate [calendar] until Manchester fits in. xxx". Not "I'll try" or "we'll see" or "maybe". "I will". She may not have intended to state it as a fact, but if she doesn't find the time now I'm going to feel let down.

In any case, she will probably change her mind when she sees how expensive the train tickets are. Just like Anneka did. Nobody is going to want to spend that much to see me. I'm too Boring. In fact, when I think of it I really can't imagine why she wants to see me at all!

If I had to describe myself in only one word, it would be "boring". I am pretty darned dull. That's why I will never have many friends and it's the reason I will never have a successful relationship. Who could stand to spend their whole life with someone like me? Any girl who doesn't think she could do better is seriously deluded! My dullness is really a combination of two things.

Games

Firstly there is my aversion to any kind of social game. There are some games that I am literally incapable of playing. Things that require thinking on ones feet, like charades or Pictionary, I cannot do. My brain literally panics and shuts down. Stops working completely. I am utterly crippled and completely incapable of thinking of anything to say or do. Most people find these things just a bit of fun. For me it is a nightmarish experience that leaves me depressed for hours if not days.

Then there is sport. I could play sport. I am physically able. But I have no desire to play sport and I would not enjoy it if I did. And of course I would be bad at it (since I have no interest in it) so I would feel inadequate. And it would leave me depressed.

Then there is the rest. Card games. Darts. Pool. All things that most normal pub-going people like to do. But I would really rather not. Board games like Monopoly or Scrabble are just about bearable. Under the right conditions I might even enjoy the game. But I would never really want to play. It would never be my idea. I would always be playing for someone else's sake. And at the end of the game I'll always be hoping it's over and we don't have to play again.

Interests

Secondly there is the fact that I have no interests of any kind. This is not just slightly odd. It is completely bizarre. People find it very hard to relate to me because of this. I can't do small talk because I have nothing to say. Everybody I can think of has some interest in something. Commonly people are interested in music or films or books. It's not that I hate music. There is music I like. But I'm not really interested in it. I have some CDs and there is music on my hard drive, but it's not often that I actually listen to it. I spend almost 40 minutes walking to work in the morning and another 40 walking home again every evening. Almost everyone I see is listening to music. I'm listening to my thoughts. I have very little music knowledge because I'm just not interested.

It's a similar story with films. I like films. I watch films sometimes. But I don't own many and I don't have the kind of in-depth knowledge you would expect from someone who describes films as a particular interest. If you name a film that I really really like, I'll still struggle to give you the names of the actors who play the main characters. Because I'm not interested.

I don't really read books. That's not just an indication that I'm not into literature. Most people have books about the things that interest them. History or politics or celebrity or something. I find science interesting, but not so interesting that I would go as far as reading a book about it.

I don't even want to travel.

Would you want to live with me? Day after day after day after day?

April 2008 was really quite shit. I don't know why. I can't put my finger on what was wrong with it exactly. I just seem to have been quite depressed quite a lot last month.

But now we are well into this month and things are looking up. Or at least they were for a couple of days. Last Monday was a Bank Holiday so we all got to stay inside and watch the rain through the window. Tuesday and Wednesday were lovely sunny days. I was working 8-4 so it was still sunny as I left the building and I had a nice pint in a nice beer garden on my way home both days. Things at work were going really well. I was making progress with Operation Move That Damned Application That We Were Supposed To Be Moving In January. I was happy. Then it all went wrong. I discovered that our test migration of the application that looked so promising, was in fact not working in one specific but very important area. After two full days plus unpaid overtime including several hours of chatting with the experts and demonstrating the problem, we have absolutely no clue what is wrong. It's a total show stopper. The migration has been delayed yet again. And I'm quite concerned about the limited number of options we are left with. So that's all a bit stressful and depressing.

But on the plus side, the glorious summer weather has stayed with us all week. Didn't get to enjoy it much on Thursday and Friday, but the weekend is lovely. I'm sitting outside as I type this. My eyes in the shade but my feet in the sun :)

Friday was a good day at work. I actually achieved stuff and made some progress. And at the end of the day we headed out for a Night of Heavy Drinking. And that was good too. For a time. But at some point things changed and I ended up miserable. I don't know if it's because three separate people asked me how I'm doing r.e. the Rina situation. I don't know if it's because I was increasingly honest with them as the night went on (I usually just say everything is fine. Partially because that's what's expected, and partially because it ends the conversation quickly). Perhaps it was because we went to the Lime Bar, which is a bit like Hell but more expensive.

I ended up sitting on my own feeling sorry for myself and hoping that the world was about to end. Someone noticed and was concerned. That was nice. She soon got distracted though. And then I walked home. Nobody saw me leave. I wonder if they noticed I was gone.

Trouble is, it's now Sunday and I'm still hoping the world is about to end. Thank G-d it's a bank holiday and I don't have to face the world until Tuesday!

I finally have a new watch battery, so I now know what time it is! Okay, so there's a clock in the corner of my screen. And there is always a screen in front of me. So I usually know what time it is. But I like to have a watch. And I hate wearing one that only shows the right time twice a day. So it was £2.99 well spent.

I can't afford a new watch anyway. I've just spent lots of money on the Wonderful Internet. On some t-shirts. And a Laptop-I-Don't-Need! I do, however, need new shirts and trousers for work. But they're not much fun, are they?

Tonight I'm going to see Grindhouse. It's not on until 10:30 and it's a 3+ hour film. But I think it's one of those films you have to see at the cinema or not at all. It has mixed reviews, but I'll see for myself soon enough. And there will be a few pints first. Just to make an evening of it, you understand.

Will I ever write a post that isn't about Rina? Well perhaps, but not today. Today would've been our third anniversary. And I wonder if she remembers. There's no reason that she should - it's not the anniversary of anything, really. We picked a date that was half way between two important dates. Seems a bit silly, but it gave us a date that felt right. Not too early and not too late.

I was thinking about sending her a message. But I wasn't sure if she'd want to hear from me. She seems distant, since Indianapolis. I wonder if I was too needy. Or if it was because she got herself a boyfriend. And I wonder if she'll ever again want to tell me what's going on with her. Is she happy? Did that guy realise his mistake and beg her to take him back? I'd bet money that he did :)

And then she sent me a message. Just to say hello. But it's something, at least. Something that made me smile. So I guess we'll see if she really wants to be friends or not. Time will tell

If you read this after 23rd April 2009, check to see if there's a similar blog entry on the forth anniversary. If not, there might just be some hope for me!

Thanks for your input on the watch issue, but with one for and one against it looks like I'm going to have to decide for myself! The fact is that I have lots of things that Rina bought me. I'm still wearing the t-shirts she bought. She bought my wall clock. And I'm not getting rid of that because I love it! I don't think the watch really has any effect on the frequency of my thoughts of her. And thinking of her is often not a bad thing. I'd rather keep the money for a new laptop-I-don't-need than spend it on a new watch-I-don't-need.

The wedding went alright. The service was nice. Quite short and to the point. Mum kept saying things like "this will be you one day". She has no idea that comments like that are not really amusing. And are actually quite painful. Then we went to a restaurant for the meal, which was pretty good. Unfortunately I was sat next to a woman who was so horrified at the idea that I might try to talk to her that she literally turned her back to me. It's no wonder I'm a social wreck - I obviously give off some kind of please-pretend-I-don't-exist pheromone.

The reception venue was nice and it was a good few hours before I started to feel crappy. I started to wish I was a smoker so I would have an excuse to go outside and spend some time on my own. I solved this problem by going outside to chat with my brother, who is a smoker. We had a good talk. Talked about an old friend. Covered some subject matter that we should have talked about years ago. And once all the woman had drunk too much and were spilling red wine and ripping expensive dresses, we went to our hotel for some kip.

The watch that she gave me has died. It's the first time since we broke up that the battery has needed replacing. Which leaves me with a dilemma. Do I get a new watch and confine this one to the drawer of memories? Do I just replace the battery and carry on? If I didn't wear the watch, would it stop me from thinking about her continuously? It hasn't so far.

Sometimes I have a drink or two in the evening. There's nothing wrong with that. But on Thursday night I went too far. I drank lots of whisky and I enjoyed it. Friday morning at work was no fun at all though! I drank some coffee and ended up in the bathroom bringing it back up. Not very professional. Thankfully nobody knew. I won't be repeating that experience! None of this stopped me going out on Friday night though :)

No time to write more. I've got a wedding to get to!

On Friday night, Li'l Brother was heading home from a Night of Heavy Drinking when he saw something in the road. Turned out to be someone. A hit and run victim. It was a guy in his 30s. He was alive when my brother found him, but not by the time the ambulance came. The paramedic pointed out that the substance all over the road was brains. Anyone else think this paramedic has seen too much action and forgotten that members of the public might prefer to be spared those details? My brother spend a couple of hours giving a statement yesterday. They like to go over every detail a hundred times. Luckily, he's not at all traumatised by the event. Evidently not easily shaken.

Next Saturday I have a wedding to go to. This is a problem because it might involve a small amount of social interaction. And we can't have that. Also, I can't get too drunk because it's likely I have to work on Sunday. All this migration work that's been threatening to happen for the past three months might actually progress. Which is good as it's starting to make me rock back and forth in my chair. The Boss has noticed this. She's also affected - she gets hot flushes every time the project is mentioned.

Here's a song:   It's quite sad, but quite pretty. It makes me smile.

I found this quite interesting. It's an article that describes what it's like to be an introvert in an "always connected" world. It's all about me! Except for the fact that the author is usually busy and I'm usually doing fuck all! :)

http://db.tidbits.com/article/9544